So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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