It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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