he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
