So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
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