I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
