I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He did a backflip because drugs
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
