just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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