The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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