toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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