yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
