just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
