Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
