WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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