Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
