things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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