I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
