Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
