There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you didnt know i had herpes?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
