Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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