i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
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