i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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