last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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