Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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