he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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