They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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