god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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