i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
pray to the hookup gods
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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