every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
