I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize