Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
