I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
