How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
