OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
