I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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