I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
