Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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