How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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