he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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