If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
