we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
They took my balls.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
