i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
