low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
