If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
