wrigley field is MILF paradise
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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