Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize