Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
