The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
