and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
