Your dad touched me again.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
