Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
