hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
