I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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