I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
