his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
