So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
