ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
i've created a new STD.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
