The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
