I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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